Kortnie at the 2011 JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes, Tempe Town Lake, Tempe, AZ

Friday, October 29, 2010

Pumpkin time 2009 vs. 2010

This year 2010
2010, she looks like a healthy normal girl doesn't she?

Last year 2009, look at that skinny neck and arms, they make her head look big, see how pale she is and the bags under her eyes, they are kind of sunk back in her head too.

This picture her face doesn't look too sick but from her arms and neck I can tell how sick she was. She never let me take pictures in the hospital, so these Halloween pictures are the only ones I have to show how she looked. My Kortnie used to be a pretty solid girl, not fat, but she had meat on her bones, in fact in Spring of 2009 according to the chart they use at headstart prep-school she was obese. (She never looked obese, she was just taller and meatier than the government says kids her age should be). These pictures show a sickly, skinny girl, not my Korky.

Last year around Halloween time is when we really started noticing just how sick our Korky was. She was finally diagnosed on November 8th. Last year, we had 3 kids, full time jobs for both the husband and I and the family that babysat our kids was out of town for a month for a family emergency as well, so needless to say we were busy, frazzled and at our wits end. And on top of that it was Halloween time, pumpkin carving, parties, costumes and trick or treating was all afoot. Kortnie had been sick off and on, she was always sick so we thought nothing of it, the seasons were changing, we thought she had a cold, we thought maybe she was growing and it was making her tired, we'd noticed she seemed to be getting longer and losing some of her baby fat, we thought she was just growing into herself. After Halloween was over, I was uploading the pumpkin carving pictures and the costume pictures onto the computer. I looked thru them and realized how much weight Kortnie actually had lost. She just got sicker and sicker, finally we took her to the ER instead of waiting for a Monday morning DR appointment we had scheduled. We didn't have a scale at our house, so I didn't know how much actual weight she had lost, but when they weighed her at the ER, she'd lost something like 13 or 17 pounds since her last DR visit back in August. Something like 20% of her body weight. We're coming up on our 1 year D-aversary. Lately I am tired of this stupid disease. I am tired of checking BG's, tired of worrying all the time, tired of lows that make her droopy or fainty and scare the crap out of me, I am tired of the highs that make her mean. I am tired of ordering supplies and going to the pharmacy, tired of the endo appointments and blood tests, tired of saying no you can't have that right now, or no you can't go until we make sure your BG is back to normal, I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night, tired of reading about kids that die from this disease or kids that get other complications from it, I am tired of the strain this stupid disease has put on our marriage, tired of living in fear that one of my other kids will develop it. There is so much more I am tired of too. I want to say, "Okay, Heavenly Father we've lived with this for a year now, we know its hard, we've gained perspective and respect for T1D, we'll never take life for granted again, we've learned lots of lessons, you can take it away now, we want to be normal again." In fact I have said this many times, but I know he won't just take it away, so I try, I try so hard to change my pleas to asking for a cure, to asking for more awareness, try to change my selfish pleas to thanks, thanks that my child lives and I try to ask for help, help me to keep her alive, help me to let go of the anger and maybe a little of the fear too. Some days are good, some days not so good. I met a lady last weekend, she has a 15 year old son with T1D he was diagnosed at age 3, her husband has it too, so she's lived 12 years as a mom of T1D and I'm not sure how long as a wife of T1D. If she can do it, I know I can too, I just don't want to. How do you get past the anger, does it ever happen? It seems like I get past it, but then something happens and it comes back. I'll keep trying, I guess, it's all I can do really, keep trying and keep praying. People tell me that God never gives you more than you can handle so I guess if HE thinks we can handle this, then we can and will. I just hope HE doesn't give us any more.
I'd like to take the time right here, right now and say how thankful I am for the D-Online Community, mostly the mom's. I do so love reading your posts and finding that I am not alone. I don't comment much and I don't do such a good job of keeping my blog up to date, but I'm out here lurking and feeling comforted by you all. For this week's sugar bolus click the link, this is a good one people. Good luck!


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