D-Mom Fail, Oh well, there's always next week!

We had a fail last night.  Sad episode for sure. 

 

Here is how it went.

 

Kork is watching a little TV before Girl Scouts, I was on my computer finishing up the taxes.

 

"Beep, Beep"

 

Me- "Is that your pump?"

 

Her "yeah"

 

"Well, what's it beeping about?"

 

"Low Cartridge, less than 10U"

this means that she is running out of insulin in her pump, which means that its time for a site change because I usually put 150-175 units in her pump each time and that lasts us 3-4 days, so when the pump runs out, its time to fill it up and to change the site.  You don't have to do both at the same time, but doing them at the same time works for us.

 

"Okay, after dinner, lets remember to change your site and cartridge"

 

"Okay"

 

15 minutes later we are heading out the door to Girl Scouts.  I left my older daughter at home with 2 of my daycare kids who she helps out with quite often and its a way for her to earn some money.  I took 2 of my other daycare kids and my 5 year old son with us.  It was my week to help out with the troop, also I am cookie mom this year, so I had to go get the girls cookie orders so I could log them on the computer and order their cookies for them.  Got to the church where we have scouts, put my son and the 2 daycare kids in the playroom, then I went to the scout meeting with Kortnie.  While the girls were working on their craft I tallied up the cookie orders.  The mom of my 2 daycare kids showed up to pick up her kids, I talked with her a minute, then a GS mom showed up and asked me about Kortnie and K's plans for a sleepover the next night.  So we talked about that and got the details hammered out.  I packed up Kortnie and her brother in the car, headed home to get Stasia, then we went to the grocery store and picked out some soup to go with our grilled cheese sandwiches.  Back home, it's now about 5:30pm.  I told the kids a few chores they needed to finish up and I started making dinner, grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup.  Got the kids eating, (gave Kortnie insulin and everything) a load of laundry in the dryer, and hubby walks in about 6:30pm.  Gave him a quick kiss then headed upstairs to get ready for my Zumba class at 7, while he visited with the kids while they ate. I got changed and folded a load of laundry.  Came back downstairs, told Brian and the kids that I was going, they need to put their dishes in the dishwasher, get their folded clothes off my bed, and be in bed reading by 8pm.  I went to Zumba and got in my "me time".  When class was over I talked to my friend in the parking lot for a few or fifteen minutes, got in my car, had 3 texts waiting.  I answered them, stopped by my church on the way home to get a schedule for our ward's women's volleyball and talked to the ladies there for awhile.  Finally I got home around 8:45ish.  All the kids were asleep. 

 

Do you see where I am going with this?

 

I had a quick shower, made myself a grilled cheese and sat down to watch Once Upon A Time on Netflix with Brian and enjoy my sandwich. 

 

About 10pm-ish, our show was over and time for us to go to bed.  I tidied up the house, started the dishwasher, put wood on the fire, brushed my teeth.  AND, went to check Kortnie's blood sugar.

 

Her BG was 205, not bad, she needed a little bolus of 1.50 Units of insulin to get her down in a better range.  Went to give her the bolus and ....

 

"Beep, Beep, Beep"

I had totally forgotten about the beep, beep, beep from earlier!

 

I check the pump and it says something like "failure to deliver, not enough insulin"

 

Oh crap, there is only 1 unit left and she needs 1.5 units now, and she still needs her basal rate all night long, and she's sound asleep, and I've never tried to do a site change on her while she is sleeping, and I'm not going to try that now either, she'll probably wake up and punch me.

 

So, I wake her up.

 

"Kork, come on, we gotta get up, we forgot you were running out of insulin, and we forgot to do a site change"

 

"oh, can't we do it tomorrow?"

 

"no baby you are out of insulin, we have to do it now or you'll get sick"

 

She started getting up, I told my husband who was in bed that Kortnie was coming and we needed to do a site change.  (Our bed is where we do the site changes, always)  I went downstairs to get the insulin out of the fridge.

 

Kortnie was sitting on my bed half asleep, went into my closet and got the site and cartridge, told Brian to get the site ready, told Kortnie to take off her old site, I filled the cartridge. 

 

I handed the cartridge and pump to Brian so he could get that all loaded, I put the site in Kortnie.
Click here for a video on how I put the site in, the video is back from Aug 2011 and is a belly site.  I need to make a better one someday.

Put the site in, and, DoH!  I forgot to clean off her skin, she had been kind of sweaty in bed, the site didn't stick!  Now I have to pull that one off, and do another one. 

I'm irritated because my stupidity just wasted a $10 site, she's irritated because even though she is used to putting sites in, they still hurt, and she is tired.  She is crying now, but silent big alligator tears rolling down her face.  Somehow those silent tears make me feel worse than if she was just blubbering and hollering. 

I gave her an alcohol wipe, got a new site out, got it ready to go, waited for the alcohol to dry on her skin.  Put the site in and this time it worked. 

I cleaned up the mess, Brian primed the tube, got Kortnie hooked back up, gave her the 1.5 units of insulin.  I told her to go get back in bed, I went downstairs and put the insulin in the fridge.

Came back up, went into her room and she was in her bed, all bundled up in her blanket, still crying, I gave her a kiss and asked if she was okay.  She said yes, still crying.

"Does the site hurt?"

"No"

"Are you just tired"

"Yes"

"Go back to sleep now"

"Okay"

She was still crying, her face looked so sad, I could almost read her thoughts and they seemed to be
"why me, this sucks, I'm tired, stupid diabetes, stinkin' needles and pokes"

She didn't say any of that, but I am pretty sure she was thinking it, I know in that moment, looking at my sad, brave girl I was thinking it. 

Man, what a life!  For me, it was an inconvenience to have forgotten to take care of her pump stuff earlier, but for her it was more than an inconvenience.  To be woken up, to have to go in the bright light, to be stuck not once, but twice because mom messed up the first time.

I felt crappy that in my haste to get out of the house, I had forgotten to remind her and to tell her dad that she needed a new site.

But, she felt even worse about the whole situation. 

Last night, was a D-Mom fail in my book.  Definitely not my first fail, probably not my last fail.  It sucks, but there is always next week, right?

For the record

2:12am check was 98

6:47am check was 102

WINNING!

And she was in a good mood, no mention of the drama of last night.
I wonder if she even remembers.

That is a WIN!

Hah! Diabetes can suck it!

Last nights fail turned into a win this morning.

 

 

Day 10, A Little Funny for Your Saturday Morning

Today's prompt is to write a LOL post, write something funny or share something you thought was funny. 

Diabetes has give us a few funny moments, I wrote about one awhile back in Peeing on Sticks, Ketones or Pregnancy?

A funny little conversation between Kortnie and I.  Here is an excerpt from that post.

Tomorrow is my son's birthday (Kortnie's little brother), Kortnie asked what time Graham was born. I said something like 6:30am, she got out his baby book to look, she came across something I had written about how I found out I was pregnant on Halloween day and the conversation went like this....

Kortnie: How'd you find out you're pregnant on Halloween Day?
Me: I peed on a stick and it told me.
Kortnie: Eeeeewwww!
Me: That's how you find out, you pee on a stick and it tells you if you are pregnant or not.
Kortnie: Oh! Just like ketones! (when she checks for ketones she most often pees on a stick, and it changes color depending on how many ketones she has, ketones are bad, it means your body is burning fat for energy instead of burning the glucose for energy, they can make you very sick)
Me: Um, yeah, just like that.....but better

Things only a Type 1 Kid would think of.

And yeah, peeing on stick and finding out if you are pregnant is way better that peeing on a stick and finding out you have ketones.

She looked thru his baby book further and read what I wrote about him sleeping for 22 hours straight after he was born and not eating, the nurses poked his heel and he had low blood sugar and so they poured sugar water on my nipple and stripped him down and made him cold so he would wake up and eat.

She thought that was the meanest thing and is now concerned about him having low BG when he was a brand new baby. 

One other funny thing I can think of, we were shopping once, shortly after diagnosis, and I had been looking at the sides of boxes and checking out the carbs on things, I guess I would sort of read out loud and talk to myself and compare different things,carb-wise and money-wise.

So, we were shopping, just Graham and I, he was 2 when Kortnie was diagnosed, so he probably would have been maybe around 3 when this happened.

He wanted some brownies or cupcakes or something, we were in the baking aisle at Walmart, it was one of those rare times when I let him out of the cart to walk around with me.  He picked up a box of brownie mix, turned it to the side, and said to himself, or to me,

"Oh, brownies, eight-seven carbs, we can have that!" and put it in the cart.

Funny!  Well, funny to me.  He was just a little guy, he didn't know how to read, but he did know that carbs was something that mommy liked to look at.  And, no there were eighty-seven carbs in a brownie, he was just making stuff up, because he thought that would get him the brownies.  Well, yes, he's so cute and funny, he got the brownies. 

Graham is my little guy, he sticks close to me and helps me with everything, he is exactly 3 years younger than Kortnie and 5 years younger than Stasia, so when we are all home, he is usually hanging out with me and helping me.  He still to this day, will go to the bottom of the stairs and call up to the girls fro me when it is dinner time. 

"Girls!  It's time for dinner, Kortnie come check your Diaaaabeeeteees!"

Graham will never remember a life without diabetes in our house.  It's all normal to him.  The rest of us remember life before diabetes, but he doesn't.  I think its kind of funny.

He is 5 now, she is 8, our oldest is almost 10.  Lately, he's been telling her he is a robot, because he is a boy, he likes robots and transformers and he thinks its cool that his sister has robot parts, tubes coming out of her and little computers on her belt, a little thing that sucks up her blood and gives her numbers.  It's all really cool to him.  I keep telling them we should look for the show Bionic Woman on Netflix because Kork is like the Bionic Woman. 

 This is Kortnie with her cousin H who is 3, we don't live close to these guys, so we don't see them often, I think this was the 2nd time we've been around little H.  Over the summer we were all at Grandpa and Grandma's house together.  She was very interested in "Kortnie's buttons", she ask us, "I push buttons?"  Um, no, please don't pus the buttons, cute girl.  She wanted to check her BG, everytime Kortnie would get her stuff out, little H would come running over to see if she could help push buttons or check her own BG.  So funny and cute.

We never ended up checking little H's BG, because I just didn't want to poke her and make her bleed.  But, we did give her a site, one of Kortnie's sites went bad, so it was still sticky when we pulled it off, Hannah was there watching of course, and we gave her the old site.  We did not insert it with a needle, we just stuck it on her with a sticker and let the tube hang down.  She was going around showing everyone, that she has a "pink heart on my arm, like Kortnie"  she wore all evening and wore it to bed, it fell off in her sleep, but she found it and stuck it back on in the morning and wore it until all the stick finally wore off.  She made Kortnie feel good, can you tell by the smile on Kork's face?  She thought it was funny and she liked it too. 





Diabetes Fact of the Day

Kortnie is slowly losing or mixing up her memories of life before diabetes, eventually she won't really remember much of life before D, because really, how many of us have vivid pre 5 year old memories?   It is kind of sad to me that she won't remember a life without her disease, but it could also be a little of a blessing too I guess.  Sometimes I think that I am glad she developed it so young because that way it is easier for us to teach her how to take care of herself if she doesn't remember anything else.  But, then I feel guilty about thinking that. 

D-Blog Day 2012

Today is D-Blog day, it was started on November 9th, 2005 during Diabetes Awareness Month, to help unite diabetes bloggers and to create awareness about Diabetes.  You can find more info  here.   I participated in D-Blog day the first time back in 2010, 6 things I want You to know about Korky.   This years prompt is Choose a form of Media Outlet to write an open letter to, such as NY Times, CNN, Local/National Newspapers, TV and why it is so important for them to let the world know that diabetes is more than just being overweight and having too much sugar. It is about reporting stories about Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes. Let them know what kind of things you would like them to write about. If there are specific articles or reports they got wrong, let them know about it! Let’s get it right!

Dear American TV,

Why do you insist on making fun of people with Diabetes.  Did you know that over 25 million people in the US have diabetes, around 8.3% of the population.  Not all of those people got diabetes by laying around on the couch, watching TV, drinking soda, and eating cupcakes!  Not all of those people have had or will have a leg amputated.  Some of those people with diabetes are kids, and they didn't get it because their parents let them have a sweet treat every now and then, they certainly didn't get it from a Happy Meal at McDonalds. 

You develop Diabetes when your body either stops producing insulin or when your body builds up resistance to insulin.  It is a serious chronic illness!  There are many different types of diabetes.  Do your research, when you report about diabetes, report about all types of them, not just one. 

Why do you insist on painting the country pink in October, and then forgetting about everything else for the rest of the year.  Diabetes has a month too, its November, devote some time in November to educating about the differences, of course its good to talk about the preventions but when you talk about preventing diabetes, tell the world which diabetes you are trying to prevent.  Take into consideration the children and adults with Type 1 Diabetes, the ones whose immune system turned on them.  Take into consideration the ones who have hereditary diabetes. 

No more jokes on talk shows, late night shows, and news shows about sugar highs or amputations.  That stuff scares my kid who has diabetes.  You don't make fun of cancer, mentally handicapped, or other illness, so don't make fun of diabetes either.  It is anything but fun!

If you're going to talk about, research it, get your facts straight, make a well-informed piece.

Thank you, Amanda

Now, for the Wego Health NHBPM prompts for today, they were to make a care package for your fellow patients, or to tell a descriptive story about a memory. 

Yesterday I wrote a little about Kortnie's diagnosis in Dear Diabetes or you could read about her Diagnosis Story for some of my memories.

As far as a care package for our fellow patients, I actually can't really think of anything very nifty right now.  When Kortnie was in the hospital, it was a children's hospital.  They had all kinds of neat things there for her, they had the Disney channel, movies, video games, board games, and books they could bring to your room.  They also had a game room, arts and crafts room, and even a school room you could go to for awhile if you wanted, even a playground.  The people at Child Life brought her a Bag of Hope from JDRF, which had a Rufus bear in it, Rufus also has diabetes, they also brought her a couple of blood sugar meters and skins for them.  They let her pick out a medic alert bracelet too.  They had free wifi there too, so that was nice for me, I could update worried friends and family through facebook (no smart phone for me back then, they were still fairly new), and I could research Type 1 when she was resting or watching tv.  They gave us some books about diabetes, a whole binder full of information, great training, and free samples of meters and test strips.  They gave us toothbrushes and toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, soap, towels, and washrags, they had a lounge with a Keurig type coffee machine, tv, magazines, a refrigerator, microwave, and a shower for us parents.  The hospital was great to us.  I can't think of anything else they could have done for us. 

If I heard about a newly diagnosed family in the hospital.  I might bring them some food for the parents, tv dinners or something they could keep in the refrigerator and microwave in the lounge.  I might bring the kids a new pair of PJ's, for a girl some nail polish.  I would definitly bring them a list of helpful websites, groups on facebook, organizations, and blogs.  The biggest thing I would bring them is love, support, and prayers. 

Diabetes Fact of the Day
Sugar free is not necessarily good for a Type 1 Diabetic, sugar free candy and treats are usually filled with sugar alcohol which can cause tummy issues, and they almost always have just as many carbs as the non-sugar free version. 

Go take the Big Blue Test if 20,000 tests get logged by World Diabetes Day on November 14th, $100,00 will be donated by Roche Diabetes Care to humanitarian diabetes chairites around the world which will deliver lifesaving insulin and supplies to children around the world.  You don't have to have diabetes to do the test.  For a non-diabetic, all you need to do is 14 minutes of activity.  Dancing, Running, Aerobics, Zumba, Yoga, Weight Lifting, Swimming, Walking, Playing at the Park with you kids, Bicycling, anything.  It only takes a minute or less.  Go log your activity and help save a child here! 

Dear Diabetes

Dear Diabetes,

On this date, November 8th, 3 years ago in 2009 you came barreling into my daughters life.  Actually, I'm pretty sure you came into her life awhile before that, but it was on this day, 3 years ago that we found out you were here, and here to stay. 

We've fought the good fight for 3 years, we'll keep on fighting forever if we have to.

 

I will never forget that day, looking down at my little girl so tired and weak, sleeping in her daddy's lap in a church pew, looking like a bag of bones, while I was up on the stand participating in the Primary program.   I will never forget telling my husband, "I'm taking her to the ER, right now" and marveling at the fact that he didn't even try to tell me it would be okay to wait until tomorrow morning when the doctor was in.  I will never forget how she just laid there in that big hospital bed and was too weak to fight off the needle stealing the blood from her arm.  Soon after someone came and told me she had Diabetes, I had to wait a good hour and a half after that to call Brian, he was still at church with no cell phone.  I will never forget the doctors telling me that she was in bad shape and they couldn't keep her at our local hospital, they were afraid she'd go into coma or have a heart attack, they said she had to be flown to Phoenix.  I will never forget them strapping her to a travel gurney and loading her into that helicopter.  Thank the Lord the let me fly down with her, my one and only unforgettable helicopter ride was anything but enjoyable.  I will never forget sitting in the PICU with Kortnie and crying at the site of 7 different tubes of stuff going into her IV. I will always be forever grateful that Brian didn't get there until the next afternoon, by then we were out of the PICU and in a regular room, Kortnie looked so much better, he won't have to live with that frightening image in his head.  I will never forget those 5 days we spent in the hospital, Kortnie, Brian, and I, away from our other kids, missing them like crazy, and scared of how much our lives were changing.  I will never forget the fear, the anger, the fright, the despair, and the confusion I felt. 

 

 I don't know what Kortnie remembers of that time, because I am afraid to ask her.  She does say that you, dear diabetes, you suck.

 

3 years with Type 1 Diabetes, Kortnie added 'It sucks!'

 

 

The other day, we were at Walmart which is right across the street from the hospital.  A helicopter took off, likely flying someone to Phoenix, Brian and I stood in the parking lot watching that helicopter fly away, I said a prayer for whoever was in there.  I looked at Brian watching that helicopter and he told me, "that makes me sad", I told him it made me sad too.  Every time I hear a helicopter fly over my house, I get scared that something has happened to Kortnie at school and that helicopter is going to pick her up.  I can't shake it, it's been 3 years and I can't shake the fear.

 

You know what though, dear diabetes, you have changed us, all of us, and maybe, just maybe, some of those changes are okay.  We eat a little healthier, we've met so many wonderful people, we've made friends in real life, and friends in our computers, we've learned so much, we've been able to teach.  Kortnie is strong, really strong, you have made her extra strong.  You have also made her better at math.  You have given us compassion too.   You aren't winning and you never will.  We will continue to fight, to live, and to strive to advocate and teach, and to look for a cure. 

 

Kortnie and her girls from the Aztec Cabin at D-Camp

 

Kortnie and Sugar at the JDRF Walk

 

 

Kortnie at the JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes 2012, fundraising for a cure.

 

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I hate you, and I try not to hate anything, but I really do hate you, I would kick you to the curb, or take you from Kortnie anytime.  I'll keep the stuff you've given us though. 

 

Today we celebrate, 3 years of kicking your ass.  You still scare me, you still suck, you will still try to take over our lives, but we won't let you, you won't beat us, we'll keep fighting, forever.  You haven't just invaded Kortnie's life, but you've invaded my home, the lives of my family, you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.  We've made beating you a family affair, with all of us working together, you don't have a chance. 

A 3 year D-Aversary celebration ice cream cone. Yes, she can eat that!

 

Graham and Stasia say it sucks too.

Watch out diabetes, we've got our eye on you!

 



Sincerely,
Kortnie's Family

 

 

 

Day 8 in the Wego NHBPM, the prompt was Write a letter to your Health.

 

 

Kortnie's Diabetes Fact of the day

 

3 years today, living with Type 1 Diabetes
11,000 finger sticks
1,260 syringe injections
320 site changes
16 doctor visits

14 blood draws
5 days in the hospital
2 eye dialations
1urgent care visit
1 ER visit
1 helicopter ride
All because of Type 1 Diabetes
 That's only 3 years, she is only 8 years old, she needs a cure.



 

 



 

 

 



My Favorite Blogs- NHBPM Day 6

Today's post prompts were to write a News Style Post or write about a time you had to take the high road.  Neither of those appealed to me today, so I decided to use one of the alternate prompts, which is to share my favorite blogs. 

I have lots of favorites, but here I'll share my favorite Diabetes blogs.  They are in no particular order.  I also have a list of blogs on the sidebar of my blog, some of those are my favorites, I try to keep that list updated, feel free to click on some of them and read.

Kerri over at Six Until Me or SUM was the first Diabetes blogger I found, shortly after Kortnie was diagnosed.  I was overwhelmed and scared, and ironically had watched the movie Steel Magnolias the day before Kortnie's diagnosis.  Steel Magnolias is about a young woman with Type 1 Diabetes, set in the 80's, she ends up dieing from complications to pregnancy and diabetes.  It is a heartbreaking story, and I was really freaked out, I asked about pregnancy and how normal of a life Kortnie would have while we were still in the hospital, the nurses said she could expect to have a healthy pregnancy and life if she took care of herself, they even mentioned that real life was not like the movie Steel Magnolias.  I laughed and told them I had just watched that movie on Saturday, Kortnie was diagnosed on Sunday and I probably asked that question on Monday or Tuesday.  Anyways, back to Kerri's blog, when I found it, we were probably a month of so into Kortnie's diagnosis and Kerri was blogging about her pregnancy.  I found her to be amusing, but serious, and I loved the peek into a grown woman's life, a woman who had been living with Type 1 Diabetes since she was 6, and was now experiencing her first pregnancy.   I still continue to read her blog often. 

Wendy over at Candy Hearts is another of my favorites.  She is a mom of 3 girls, her oldest daughter has Type 1 and Celiacs, Wendy also has Celiacs.  She even lives in the same state as me.  We have met each other in real life a few times, and our daughters were at Diabetes Camp together over the summer, in the same cabin.  I can't exactly remember how I found her blog, maybe I clicked over from Kerri's blog.  Wendy is passionate, she's a great writer, and she writes about situations that are similar to mine.  I also like that she writes about Celiacs, that is something I am also interested in.  Celiacs is an Auto-Immune disorder that shows up as a Gluten Allergy.  My husbands Grandma has Celiacs, and I sort of assume that Kortnie or one of my other kids will end up with it eventually.  It seems that once you have one Auto-Immune Disorder, more will follow eventually.  She also is a big supporter of the Life For a Child Campaign which is an organization that delivers insulin to children in countries where it is not available.  In some countries a diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes is a death sentence because those children do not have access to insulin.  One of my favorite posts on her blog was from her husband Mr. Rose, he took questions from the readers and answered them.  He even answered one of my questions.  I asked about how he handled taking care of the kids by himself and if he ever would be annoyed when/if Wendy called asking for a report.  This was at a time when I think we were still fairly newly diagnosed and I was having a hard time leaving Kortnie with her dad-or anyone else for that matter.  Now I am totally fine leaving her, for the record, Brian is an awesome father and very attentive to all of our kids and Diabetes, I do not have a problem leaving him in charge of the big D, he does things differently from me, but I have learned that that is OK! 

Rayna over at Beta Buddies is another of my favorites, she doesn't write super often but when she does it is funny and real.  I laugh and cry and sit here grinning at my computer.  She has colorful language and mascara fringed eye balls.  She is a hockey mom and a D-Mom and a mom who worries about how Diabetes affects the other Non-D kid.  She is an on-the-go mom like me and she gets irritated with her husbands pancreating skills-just like me!  Now in the paragraph above I mentioned that I have learned it's okay that Brian does thing differently from me, that is true, it's okay, but that doesn't mean that I don't roll my eyes at him behind his back or go stomping off when he does something that I don't like.  Somehow, reading about Rayna's Day-In-The-Life puts my day in perspective.  It's just nice to know that other women out there go through the same crap as me, and make the same mistakes and triumphs as me.  It's nice to laugh at the craziness of our world.

Meri at Our Diabetic Life is a fantastic writer.  She is the mother of 4 boys.  FOUR!  Not only is she mom of four boys, but 3 of them have Type 1 Diabetes.  THREE.OF.THEM!  Yikes.  Not only does she parent and love these 4 boys, but she has had a pretty crappy year, maybe the most craptastic year that anyone could imagine.  But, she continues to write, there is love in her writing, she somehow gives her reader comfort and peace, I am amazed at how she just keeps going and always has something good to say, she's also good for a good cry, and we all need that now and then.  I always kind of feel refreshed after a good cry.  I love being able to cry with these women in my computer, most of who I've never met in real life.  Check out her posts Anatomy of a Low and Alice in Diabetesland, two of my most recent favorites of hers. 

A few more of my favorites are
Dword Ramblings another AZ mom whose daughter was at camp with Kortnie.
My Diabetic Child, a mom who is funny and random and makes me laugh.
Death of a Pancreas  Jo, who is witty and made that You Tube video I posted yesterday
Diabetes Sweeties  A mom on the East Coast one of the first blogs I started reading
The Princess and The Pump  A cute girl and a cute mom
Houston...We have a PROBLEM  A fun mom who has 3 great kids, a little guy with T1, and a daughter with Chron's and another sweet girl, they lead a busy and interesting life, the little guy with Type 1 sure seems to keep her on her toes and keeps her laughing with the crazy antics he's in to.
Dimples and Diabetes  a real life friend of mine, her husband has Type 1, her Brother in law has Type 1, her daughter has Type 1, and her nephew too.  She has 5 daughters, they used to live in the same town as us and my Kortnie was friends with one of her daughters before little Libby got diagnosed.  She hasn't blogged in a long time, but she's still one of my favorites.  Love them!

All of these bloggers and many more have become my friends and I love reading about them and sharing some Same-Same with them.  I am also friends with all of them on Facebook and I love that social media gives me a place to connect with these other moms, so we can cry on each others shoulders, vent, share ideas, and lift each other up. 

Type 1 Diabetes Fact of the Day-
Approximately 80 people per day in the US are diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  I consider ourselves lucky to have Diabetes in this country where we have access to the medications and supplies we need to keep our daughter alive.  A Type 1 Diagnosis in other countries can be a death sentence.   Diabetes hits the poorest hardest. In Zambia, a child with type 1 diabetes can expect to live an average of 11 years. In Mali, the same child can expect to live only 30 months. And in Mozambique, the child is likely to die within a year.

Why I Write About Kortnie's Diabetes #NHBPM Day 1

November is Diabetes Awareness Month.

 

So, in honor of that, I am going to try to  participate in Wego Health's National Health Blog Post Month.  This means that I will be writing one post per day for the month of November.  Wego Health has given prompts for each day of the month.  I can choose from 2 different prompts or from a list of alternate prompts, and I get to skip 2 days during the month if I want. 

 

So here goes, today is Day 1, and the prompts were "Why I write about my health" or "My favorite thing about social media/Internet/online health communities".

 

I am choosing the first, hence the title of the blog post.

 

I write about my daughter's health, in essence, her Type 1 Diabetes for a couple of reasons.  These are in no particular order.

 

#1 I write for me, so I can vent, so I can remember, so I can look back and see how far we've come.

 

#2 I write for Kortnie, so she can look back and remember.  Also, I write for her because... well, this is hard to say, but because I am afraid that someday she might have a child with Type 1 Diabetes, and maybe this blog will be beneficial if she ever becomes the mother of a child with T1D.

 

#3  I write for the other mothers out there.  Reading the blogs of other D-Mom's and PWD's (persons with diabetes) has helped me in so many ways.  They give me a feeling of same-same, they give me a sense of community, they give me good ideas and insight.  Reading blogs was my first foray into the DOC (Diabetes Online Community), and from the blogs I first found I have made friends and joined other online communities.  I treasure these friendships!  I hope that my blog gives the DOC back some of what they have given me.

 

#4  I write for my family and friends.  I know of a couple of my cousins and friends who read my blog.  I don't ever want them to feel sorry for me or for Kortnie, but it's nice to be able to share some of our daily challenges and triumphs with them so they can glimpse what our life is like.  Also, I figure by blogging I can share all of that and they can read or not, it's their choice, they don't feel like it's shoved down their throats.  I hope!  I think in the beginning I talked about diabetes way too much, in person, on my personal facebook page, and on my other family blog.  I probably still do sometimes, but hopefully I'm toning it down some.   Now, some might say that I have that right to talk about diabetes whenever I want to, but really, I don't want to talk about it all of the time, everywhere to everyone.  I don't want diabetes to RUN our lives, it is a BIG part of my family and our life together, but it DOES NOT rule the world! 

 

#5 I write for whomever may stumble onto my blog, maybe they'll learn something.  All I knew about diabetes before my daughter's diagnosis was the stereotypical type things.  I have learned so much these last 3 years, and this is one small way that I feel I can advocate for my daughter and for other Type 1 Diabetics.

 

So, that's it, that's why I write this blog.  As a bonus, I'll answer the other prompt too.  My favorite thing about social media/Internet/online health communities is.....reading blogs of other D-Moms and a few PWD's (later on in the month one of the prompts is to share your favorite blogs!).  Also I belong to a few pages on Facebook where I can go and write anything about diabetes or ask a question, and instantly so many other parents of CWD's (Child With Diabetes) or PWD's are right there to sympathize with me or help me out with an answer. 

 

Also, everyday during November I will be sharing a Type 1 Diabetes Fact of the Day and today's fact is...

 

Type 1 diabetes (T1D) is an autoimmune disease in which a person's pancreas stops producing insulin, a hormone that enables people to get energy from food. It occurs when the body's immune system attacks and destroys the insulin-producing cells in the pancreas, called beta cells. While its causes are not yet entirely understood, scientists believe that both genetic factors and environmental triggers are involved. Its onset has nothing to do with diet or lifestyle. There is nothing you can do to prevent T1D, and-at present-nothing you can do to get rid of it.
 

 



It's true what they say about Monday's

My poor Kortnie, I feel so bad for her sometimes.  Ever since she was a little baby she's always been my sickest kid.  Once she was diagnosed with T1D, she actually didn't get quite as sick anymore, we figured it was beacause we finally knew what was wrong with her and we were working hard to treat her and give her a healthy life.  Well, we are coming up on 3 years since diagnosis and while we've dealt with a few colds and one or two stomach bugs, we've not had to deal with anything too awful. 

Saturday morning she had a soccer game, Saturday evening we went to the fair.  Blood sugars were good, we had a fun day, at the fair we ate some junk food, funnel cake, french fries, lemonade, and hot dogs.  I bolused, the BG's stayed good.  From 10:30pm Saturday night to 8am Sunday morning she was kind of high but 230-280.  I figured it was residual from that dang funnel cake and lemonade.  By 10am Sunday she was back at 112, we had breakfast and went to church at noon she was 81 and still had Insulin On Board (IOB), I gave her 3 smarties and sent her to her Sunday School class while I stayed in my class.  We got home from church around 2:30 and she went to the bathroom, then came out and started telling her dad stomach hurt and she went to the bathroom during church and just now at home and there was blood in her pee.  He called me upstairs and told me, she hadn't flushed the toilet so I went and looked.  Not gonna lie, I freaked out.  Jumped on the computer and started googling.  I figured that she probably had a UTI (uterine tract infection), but there was also stuff about Kidney Stones and Kidney Disease and how people with Diabetes have Kidney problems.  So I started asking her questions and figured that yeah, it probably was a UTI.  Next I went into some of the D-Mom and PWD groups on Facebook and posted a question about it.  I got lots of advice and encouragement, here.  I am so grateful for the DOC (Diabetes Online Community)!  I called her Endocrinologist and they said it sounded like a UTI as well, and that I could give her tylenol and push fluids and keep her at home and take her to Urgent Care in the morning or ER that night if she was really in pain.  She did go to the bathroom several times that evening, we monitored ketones and they stayed around the trace-moderate range, her BG's were pretty good too so I wan't too worried, just feeling bad for her that she was in pain.  I have never had a UTI myself, but some of my friends told me that they pretty much suck and are painful.   A friend of mine and a fellow Diabetic brought her an AZO pill that is supposed to help with the pain and also turns the urine kind of bright orange or yellow.  That little pill seemed to help her and get her through the night. 

Monday morning I was supposed to go to the hosptial and give a talk to a group of Nurse's doing a training session and all the different types of diabetes.  I've done this training class before.   I was supposed to be there at 9am, Kortnie had wanted to go with me, but I told her she had to go to school.  Well, plans changed, I was at the Urgent Care with her by 8am, we were still there at 9am and I called the hospital and told them that I was at Urgent Care and was going to be late, they of course were okay with that, my talk is about being the parent of  a T1D, and well, this little trip to the Urgent Care and messing up my plans for the day fits right in with that doesn't it? 

I told the docs at Urgent Care that I prefered the Walmart pharmacy, but they must have written down Walgreen's instead, because they sent our prescription to Walgreens.  Oh well, I can run over there and pick it up, not a huge deal, even though I already had to go to Walmart to pick up test strips and a few other things. 

After we were done at Urgent Care we headed over to the hospital, I gave my talk, the Nurse's asked me some questions.  One of the questions they asked me was "Do you ever get a break?"  I smiled and told them not really.  One of the nurses asked Kortnie "How do you feel about having diabetes?", she thought about it for a minute and then said "it sucks!" but she was smiling when she said it and they all laughed and there was of a chorus, of empathy and "I bet's".

Next we went to Walmart, stopped by the Pharmacy and they were still out of test strips, I had called in the prescription the previous Monday, it had been exactly a week and they were still out.  What's up with that, the pharmacy tech decided to just pull them off the OTC shelf for me.  I'm not sure what the dang difference is between the prescription and OTC strips is.  Well, actually there is no difference in the strips, I'm sure the difference is all in the paperwork and behind the scenes stuff.  They told me to go shop while they got it all ready for me.  So I went and shopped, got the stuff on my list, headed back to the pharmacy to pick up the strips.  We are standing in line and Kork says she feels low, she checks her BG and she's 43!  Yikes.  Good thing I had juice boxes in my cart!  I popped open a box of Capri Sun's and she sucked one down and sat on the bench by the Pharm counter while I waited in line.  Had to laugh, here she is low, while waiting in line to pick up a new batch of test strips.  I mean it's one of those moments where you either laugh or cry.  I got the strips and she said she was feeling okay so we went over and got in line to pay for our other stuff.  Hopped in the car and went across the street to Walgreens for her UTI meds.  She was feeling better and her BG was up to 112, so we stopped at Subway for lunch.  I gave her the first dose of antibiotics and she said it was yucky. 

Then we headed home, she was so tired, I could see it in her face, we got back to town around 12:30, I was going to let her come home and have a nap, but she wanted to go to school.  So, I dropped her off at school.  Let her teacher know about the UTI and she would need to go to the bathroom.  She has access to the bathroom already according to her IEP, but it also says in the IEP that if she's going to the bathroom a lot, she's probably high and needs to check, so I just figured I'd clue her in on the UTI.  Her awesome teacher told Kortnie, "oh those are no fun, I've had them before, I'm sorry you don't feel good, don't worry, if you have to go to the bathroom, just get up and go, even if I'm busy you just go, you are definitly not supposed to try to hold it in okay, I won't collect a stick from you".  Awesome!  (the kids get popsicle sticks at the beginning of the week and then as rewards for various things throughout the week, usually if someone has to use the bathroom she makes them "pay" a stick to go, she doesn't make Kortnie "pay" with a stick though)

I picked her up at 2:30 and she told me she had fun at school and that she only had to go to the bathroom twice, and that she was feeling better.  She went to Soccer practice yesterday afternoon too, even though I wanted her to stay home and rest, but nope, she wanted to go to Soccer and play and have fun with her friends.  This girl, she doesn't let anything keep her down for too long.  She's my Hero.  I look at her and she looks so tired, I know that Diabetes wears her out sometimes, and I know this UTI has her beatdown and probably the combination of Diabetes and UTI is even worse, but she just keeps on keeping on.  I don't even know if she knows what it feels like to feel good, I think she probably feels crappy so much of the time, that feeling crappy is just her version of normal.  I wish I could take all of it away from her, it makes me sad, but I don't want her to see how sad it makes me, because even though she says having diabetes "sucks" she seems okay with it most of the time.  The fact of the matter is that even though I want to take it from her, I can't, so I have to let her be okay with it and not make her think it's such an awful, terrible, sad thing...even though it is!  When she wants to rant and rave and be mad, I'll let her, by golly, but for now, she's okay with it all, so I guess I will be too. 

I got a letter from Kortnie (from Diabetes Camp)

In yesterday's mail there was finally a letter from Kortnie.  As you know she's at Diabetes Camp AZDA right now.  We dropped her off on Saturday and I was kind of hoping that by Monday she'd have written a letter, and that we'd get on by Wednesday.  Well, Wednesdays the mailman came and went with no mail from her.  Not only did I not get a letter on Wed., but nobody else did either.  Sigh.  So Thursday came and I ran out to the mailbox as soon as I hear the mailman out there, and yes! there was a letter from her.  I was so excited, I ripped open the envelope and read it out there crying and smiling.  I came in the house, texted Brian that we got a letter, and also took a picture of it and posted it to Facebook.  Brian quickly called to hear about the letter.  I read it to him over the phone.  It took me a few minutes to get myself together and read it to him because I was crying so much.  I'm a crier, he's used to it, sometimes it makes me crazy though. 

Here is what she wrote, I typed it up using her spelling and grammer.  Gotta work on that. 

 hi mom, dad, Graham & anastasia. What are you doing I miss you so!!! bad I would write more ov these! but I don't have more spac (she only used 1/2 the page, LOL) on Saterday I went swiming on Sunday I rode a horse by my self it was fun. I went swiming agen on Monday. Tusday we went rock climming. and I made it to the top it was fun can send you more envelope for I can write you gise one more time. Love Kortnie 

Note to self:  Next year send more envelopes addressed to me!  I'm so happy that she misses us so!!!bad  I am so happy she's having so much fun.  I hope she got a picture of herself on that horse and rock climbing.  I hope she's using her camera.  Her Grandma got her 2 of those disposable cameras each with 27 pictures.  Its going to be hard to wait to get those photos developed.  I don't know if anywhere up here does 1 hour prints from those.  I think it might  have to be a 2 or 3 day thing.  I'm used to instant photos these digital days.  It'll be easier waiting for those pictures than it was waiting for mail from her or waiting to go pick her up.  I wish she'd have written about what she's been eating or what her blood sugars are.  Those are the things I've been worrying about most, she's a picky eater (what kid isn't?).  I guess if she didn't write about her blood sugar's than they are okay or they are not making a big deal out of the bad/good numbers, which is good because I want her to have fun and I do trust that there at D-Camp her numbers will be monitored and handled.

I am also kind of excited to see that my husband is worrying some and missing Kortnie too.  I knew he'd miss her, she's his buddy, but I never think he worries too much.  He doesn't deal with the minute to minute-ness of diabetes as much as I do.  He is a hardworking dad and husband.  He works 50+ hours a week and is gone from 7am-6:45pm, 5 days a week.  I do 99.9% of Kortnie's diabetes stuff: site changes, night checks, carb counting, doctor visits, insulin configuring, etc.  It's not that he refuses to do it.  He just isn't home for alot of it and in the scheme of things it's just easier for me to get up and do the night checks (I set an alarm for 2:30am, it goes off, I get up do the check, go to the bathroom and back to bed...if it was him, the alarm would go off, he'd turn it off and go back to sleep, I'd have to kick him to wake him up, it would take 5 minutes, he'd finally get up, go check her, come back and then I'd want to know what her number was and what he did about it....see easier for me to do it myself, LOL)  Anyways, most some of the time I feel like he takes it for granted that I do everything, he doesn't ask about her numbers too often, although the past few weeks he has been wondering what her numbers are more often, seems he asks me about the 8pm and 10:30pm numbers most often, of course those are the ones he's home and awake for.  On his days off he does check out her numbers and attempt to do some measuring/carb counting and is getting better at it (I like him to do it MY WAY, not his way...he's getting there and I'm learning to let him do it his way more often) .  While we were gone to Laughlin, we called our other 2 kids every day, but there was no way to call Kortnie, we were pretty much told not to by the camp and we were struggling to follow the rules.  One evening after talking to Stasia and Graham he said to me, "I wish we could call Kortnie".  On the day we dropped her off, I cried and cried, he had his sunglasses on and I know he was sad too, but I didn't get to see if his eyes were tearing up too, I bet they were.   Yesterday when he called to hear about the letter I could tell over the phone he was a bit choked up too, but he was laughing type of choked up.  That was sweet.  Last night when he got home he looked over the letter and got a little teary eyed and said he wishes he could go with me to pick her up.  I told him I'd have her call him as soon as we got in the car.  That made him so happy.  It was good for me to see his feelings, not that I'm glad that he's kind of sad and missing her, but glad that I'm not alone in my feelings. 

Even though it's been a LONG week, it's been a good one.  Brian and I got to spend a much needed weekend away just the 2 of us, marriges take work and I tend to get busy with kids (and Diabetes) and he gets put on the back burner.  It was good to put us on the front burner and be reminded of eachother.  I got to spend some extra quality time with Stasia and Graham, Stasia really needs that.  I got to make some really Carby dinners and not worry about what Kortnie's blood sugars had been all day.  Admittedly Stasia and Graham got to eat more junk more carefreely than usual.  No not necessarily a good thing for them, but hey, they need to live it up a little too, right?

This time tomorrow I will be on my way to pick up my girl.  I am so excited, I can't wait to hear all of her stories and adventures, about the new friends she's made and about how she wants to go back next year.  I really hope she wants to go back.  One girl we met on drop off day was a DC, diabetic counselor, she told us she'd been going to Camp AZDA for 11 years ever since she was 7.  I know that Kortnie is the type of personality that could grow into being a DC and I hope she continues to go to camp, foster these friendships, and become a DC someday.  If she has to have Type 1 Diabetes, I hope she does something good with it.

Diabetes Camp - The Dropoff

The time has come.  She's been waiting all year for this.  Back in January I asked Kortnie if she would like to go to Diabetes Camp this Summer.  She would turn 8, 4 days before camp and 8 is the age you can start going.  She thought about it for a week or so and asked me a few questions and then she told me that YES, she'd LOVE to be able to go.  Around March is when Registration opened up for Camp AZDA.  The Camp would run a whole week, June 9 - June 16 and would be located around 3.5 hours from home near the town of Prescott, Arizona.  I started the registration process, dang there were a ton of questions, but they were all good questions and totally relevant to what goes into taking care of a Type 1 Diabetic kid, I paid the $50 registration fee.  She was accepted to camp, received $85 worth of financial aid and we rounded up the other $615 needed to send her to camp.  Her Grandparents (my parents) and Great-Grandparents (Brian's Grandparents) paid for her camp fees.  Her Grandma (Brian's mom) bought her a few things that she needed to pack for a birthday present.  We spent a week before camp packing and discussing.  I was nervous. She was nervous, but more excited than nervous.  The camp booklet said that she didn't need to bring any diabetes supplies, no insulin, no test strips, no meter, no poker, no low snacks, no syringes, no alcohol wipes, no ketone strips, the camp would provide everything.  I had a hard time not packing those things for her.  I was worried about her not having access to her meter at all times.  I understand that they probably didn't want kids to be burdened with carrying those things around and not have to worry about them losing their meters or getting them mixed up with other kids. Still, she and I both had a hard time not packing at least her meter and strips and a glucose tabs.  The camp did ask that she bring pump supplies, just in case they didn't have enough to accommodate everyone.  I felt better that I got to pack at least some of those.  :)  A week or so before camp she began emailing with 2 girls who we knew would also be first timers and in the same cabin as her at Camp AZDA.  That helped ease her mind and increase her excitement.

My husband took Saturday off so he could go with  me to drop her off at camp.  I realized that he was nervous too.  Somehow that made me feel better.  Since Kork's diagnosis we have not been able to go away overnight together.  It's been a hard 2 1/2 years, it took us a long time to even leave her with a babysitter so we could go on a date.   We figured that while she was gone away to Diabetes Camp we'd send the other 2 kids to his mom's and we'd go on a little trip ourselves.  We planned to drop Kork off Saturday afternoon and then continue on to Laughlin, we'd stay until Monday and then come back home so he could go to work.    I took the 2 kids to Grandma's on Friday night, came home, got a good night's sleep and we were on the road by about 8:30 Saturday morning.  The closer we got to Prescott the more freaked out I got.  Kortnie was bouncing around the backseat talking non-stop.  I could tell she was nervous and excited too.  Her blood sugars usually run high when she's like that.  We started the day off with a 200, I gave her a breakfast bolus and upped her basal rates by 20%.  Around 11am she was 115, a great number.  At 12:30pm when we stopped for lunch  (we were about an hour from camp drop off) she was back up to 257.  We had Subway, gave her a huge bolus and upped her basal rates 50% for one hour.  I was starting to tear up at this point.  After lunch we found camp, got her signed in, filled out papers and someone took us to her cabin.  Her cabin was smallish, you go in and turn right into her room-Aztec (turn left into another room Hualapai), 4 sets of bunk beds with name tags on each one.  She found her bed, a top bunk!  She found the beds of the 2 girls she'd been emailing with.  Also each girl was assigned a shelf unit to unpack their clothes onto.  There were 2 other beds, one for the counselor and one for the "med staff" that stay with each of them. Also a shower room.  In the "middle" common area were 2 sinks and 2 toilet rooms.  It was comforting to see ketosticks on the sink and sharps containers on the shelves :)  It was a big stuffy and hot in the cabin.  I hope they open windows while there, I'm sure they will.   After we saw the cabin we were going to go to the Arts and Crafts cabin to spruce up her name tag, but we were told that the bus from Phoenix was arriving and it had her roommates and counselor on it.  So someone whisked her away to go meet the bus.  Brian and I stood back and watched.  It's a big to do to welcome a bus full of campers.  I could see how happy Kortnie was, she found Sugar and A.K.. right away!  The group of campers was taken back to their cabin, Brian and I followed behind and that's when I really started losing it! 

I snapped this picture of them walking into the cabin, Kortnie is looking at me, Sugar has the green backpack and A.K. has a pink backpack and is walking up the steps.  I wanted to get more pictures, but they were oblivious to me, they were excited to be at camp and making new friends and they were hanging on every word that their counselor was saying.  I didn't want to impose on their fun. Kortnie took a disposable camera with her, I hope she gets a lot of great photos.  After I took this picture, the girls disappeared inside.  I wept, and Brian held me.  I wasn't ready to leave, but I knew we needed to. I went inside and listened to the girls chatter for a few minutes.  Kortnie was oblivious to me standing there.  I said "Kork!" She turned and looked "We're going now."  she said "Okay!"  I said, "well, aren't you gonna come say goodbye to us?"  She came out and gave me and Brian a hug.  The rest of the girls came out, they were going to go pick out boots for when they rode horses the next day.  Brian and I followed behind, when they stopped at the boot tent, we kept walking.  We got to the car and I said to Brian, "let me go back and tell those counselor girls about her high BG and check her BG again really quick" he said okay and he'd get the AC going in the car.  I went back, told the girls she'd had a big bolus and upped basal at lunch and to watch for a low later, they said okay they'd keep an eye on her and told Kortnie to let them know anytime she wanted to check her BG.  I said to her "why don't you check it now before I leave?"  She said to me, "no, I'm good"  they counselors told her to go ahead and check and make mom feel better, Kortnie said she felt fine.  I said Okay, the counselors said she'd be okay.  I told them I was a "crazy worried mom" they said all the mom's are and that it's okay.  I left again.  Got in the car, cried some more and we took off down the road.  Stopped for gas and Brian remembered that Kortnie had a wad of money in her pocket.  You aren't supposed to take money and valuables to camp.  He said we should go back and get it from her.  (hee hee now he's wanting to go back) I said, no we'll call, so we called and had someone go get the money from her and hold it until I pick her up. 

I posted on Facebook the picture I took and how I'd just dropped her off and how freaked out I was, I got lots of supportive comments.  But I tell ya, my stomach hurt, I had a headache and it took about an hour for me to stop crying.  I fell asleep for a little bit.  Brian and I got to Laughlin, got checked in and started to relax.  We called our other 2 kids at Grandma's, we slept in the next morning we ate breakfast, we strolled the riverwalk, we laughed and reconnected, we tried not to talk or think about the kids.  That evening we called the kids again and went to dinner.  At dinner Brian said to me that he wished we could call Kortnie too.  I was glad he said it, because I was thinking about it too.  I was glad to see he was missing them as much as me.  I was glad to see he was as nervous about letting somebody else take care of Kortnie as much as me.  It was one thing to drop Stasia and Graham off with Brian's mom, but a whole other ballgame to drop Kortnie off at camp with strangers, especially when so much goes into her daily care.  We knew that the camp would take care of her, we knew she'd be surrounded by other kids and adults with Type 1 Diabetes as well as medical staff and the people with out T1D would certainly be knowledgeable.  We knew she'd be okay and have fun, but that didn't doesn't make it any easier. 

On our way to camp this was one of our conversations:
Kortnie: "I don't think you've ever left me for a week"
Me:  "I have never left you for a week."
Kortnie: "Oh"
Me:  "Actually I have never even left Stasia and Graham this long, they are gonna be at Grandma's 3 nights, I've only ever left you guys one or two nights and that was before you had diabetes"  "I'm gonna miss you guys, all of you"
Kortnie:  "I'm gonna miss you guys too, but I think I will have fun"
Me:  "yep, you'll have fun"
Kortnie:  "If I like camp, can I go again next year"
Me:  "Yes"  I was really thinking, "oh brother, I'm a mess now, let's not start talking about next year already!"

Anyways, we dropped her off, she was brave, she was ready to go.  I cried, but I got myself under control.  I had a fun time with my husband, it was just what we needed.  I slept till 9am the first day and 9:20am the second day.  I didn't have to get up and check blood sugars in the middle of the night.  It was kinda of nice.  When we left Monday afternoon to go home, it was weird knowing that we were only going to pick up 2 of our kids, not 3.  Kortnie's little brother (almost 5) has asked for her 3 times since we picked him up.  I miss her like crazy, it's weird to have 2 kids and not 3 at home.  I am counting down the days until Saturday when I go get her.  I'll cry then too.  For now, I'll just be wondering what her BG is and wondering what she's doing and waiting for a letter in the mail.  I didn't get one today, sure hope I do tomorrow, and if I don't get one tomorrow, I hope someone else does and they call me and tell me.  She took envelopes addressed to us, Grandma Linda, Grandma and Grandpa Hess, and Great-Grandma and Bompa.

CareGiver

In the March issue of Woman's Day Magazine there is a section about Caregiver's. It's aimed at the generation of (mostly) Women who are taking care of an older family member. I read through it because, I figure that someday I'll be in this spot. Although the articles are talking about caring for an older adult I saw a lot of similarities to what I do now as a Caregiver/Pancreas for Kortnie.

Yes, she's my kid not an older adult, yes when I choose to be a mom I knew I'd be a "caregiver" to my kids, yes, I care for my other 2 kids too, but when I signed up to be a mommy, I DID NOT sign up to be a Pancreas too, I love all my kids and would do anything for any of them, it's not my fault or Kortnie's fault that her stinkin' pancreas doesn't work, it's just the hand we were delt. Being a wife and mother is hard enough on a good day, but when you add in a kid with a Chronic Illness and you have to literally be thinking about EVERYTHING SHE EATS OR DOES OR WILL BE DOING all the time just to keep her alive, that's a whole new ballgame. Mothering and Caregiving for this kid is taken to a whole new level!

The article that really stood out to me is "Stop Caregiver Burnout" on page 115
Here is a quote from the beginning of the article:
"You know the saying 'If the plane is losing oxygen, put on your own msk firs, then your child's.' If you're caring for a loved one, this applies to you, too. But with over half of caregivers reporting that they're eating poorly and not excercising and three quarters not going to their doctors regularly, it seems that most of them have abandoned their own oxygen masks. And understandably so: Though taking care of a loved one can certainly be fulfilling, there's no denying that it's emotionally taxing."
The article has these 3 main topics:
1 You Resent the Responsibility- It's inevitable that you'll feel frustrated-even angry-about how much of your life you're giving up and how hard the task is Yes! Sometimes this is me
2 You're Grappling with your own Mortality- Taking care of someone who's sick inevitably brings up questions like "Will someone take care of me someday" I wasn't thinking this, but now I am, but really I think this part of the article applies more towards the woman in her 50's and 60's who's taking care of an older adult
3 You Feel GUILTY- As a caregiver, you're making so many important, life changing decisions that it's all too easy to second-guess yourself. Are we teaching her the right way to take care of herself? Did we choose the right pump, doctor, insulin? Are we letting her make enough choices for herself? Will she be able to do this on her own someday, what if I'm not here to take care of her? Does she have independance? Am I forcing her to use a pump or CGM?

Anyways, this article hit home for me. Mostly I struggle with topics 1 and 3. Kortnie was diagnosed in November of 2009, I had only been back to work after having my son for a little over a year. I enjoyed going to work and talking with adults, I was working on losing baby weight, I was plugging along just fine and trying to make myself feel good about me. Then BAM! Diabetes hit like a freight train. I ended up quitting my job, I eventually gained back all the weight I'd lost and then some, everything I did was centered around Diabetes, learning all I could about it, figuring out the best ways to take care of Kortnie, learning how to do shots, choosing pumps, advocating, fundraising, a little whining too. So much, so much, everything was about Diabetes, I lost myself in my grief, I'm pretty sure I neglected my other kids, my husband, myself and maybe even Kortnie a little-not her D-but her Korkyness.

I'm happy to say that somewhere along the way I realized what was going on, I began to resent that D has done this to me, and I'm working at fixing it. I am learning to take more time for myself, I'm working on excercising and getting back in shape, I've been losing weight slowly, I have been getting dressed more often, spending time with friends and my husband, and more non-D time with my kids. I am finding the old me and I am getting my Happy back. No more diving back into bed or burrying my head in the sand. I'm gonna work really hard about not Bitching about what Diabetes is taking away from, but you can bet your ass that I'll still be bitching about what it takes away from Kortnie. well maybe I won't stop bitching, a little ranting and venting can work wonders here and there, I'm gonna own my resentment!

The guilt, that's a tough nut to crack, that's going to be a little harder, it probably won't ever go away, the article says guilt is natural and that it's okay as long as you aknowledge it and don't let it eat at you. I'll work on that, I just hope that even if I make the wrong choices for her now, she'll know someday that I did the best I could and every choice I make or made I will do thoughtfully, carefully and out of love.

Do you feel resentful, guilty or wonder about your own mortality?

31

Yesterday Kortnie had a 31 at school. It was a friggin' mess!

She checks her BG at 7:55am when I drop her off, then again at 11am when she goes to lunch, then at 2:20pm when I pick her up. Of couse she checks in between if she feels like she needs or wants to.

Yesterday she was 185 when I dropped her off, with IOB to cover the breakfast we had a 7:15 (2 20gc Breakfast Burritos). I wasn't worried. Apparently at lunchtime she was 279, they don't call me unless she's over 300. They bolused for her lunch and the correction, I can't remember the carbs she took yesterday but it was probably a pretty big bolus at least 4.45U for the correction (279-120/60). She goes to lunch 11:10-11:45 (she goes to nurse at 11 for her check and bolus). Then they go to recess 1:15-1:30pm. When they got back from recess Kortnie's friend "K" told the teacher that Kortnie was acting weird and dizzy (thanks for looking out K!). Mrs. H, told K to get Kortnie's checker out of her lunch bag while she got the juice. They got Kortnie to check her BG and 31 popped up, they got her to drink her juice and then called the nurse. They did everything they were supposed to, at this point the nurse is supposed to call me and head down to the classroom to get Kortnie. The nurse went to the classroom to get her and Kortnie wouldn't leave her desk, that's when they called me. No big deal (NBD that she went to Kortnie before calling me, BIG DEAL the 31), really, I have told them to take care of her first and call me second. So she called me, I saw on my caller ID that it was Nurse S and like always my heart jumps into my throat. Usually when she calls me it goes like this...
Me: Hello?
Nurse S: Hi, it's me, nothings wrong!
Me: Oh good, what's up?
Yesterday it was like this
Me: Hello?
Nurse S: Kortnie's 31! (panicky)
Me: Holy Crap, give her juice!
Nurse S: She already had one but she won't walk
Me: Give her more, I'm coming!
Thank goodness I only live 1/2 a mile away, I yelled at my son to get in the car and we drove down, I was probably there in less than 2 minutes, but it seemed like FOREVER, we parked in the parent pick up line and ran to her class, didn't stop to check in at the office (BAD! Really nobody cares, I'm PTO President and everyone knows me, they know I'm not there to steal kids, I have my hands full with the ones I already have, and they know better than to mess with me when I'm in D-Mama mode) Got to her class and she had her head laying on her desk, her face was all white and her eyes were glassy, and she was sobbing. (which I'm sure that crying probably makes you drop even lower, I mean it takes a lot of effort to cry) The teacher and nurse were on their knees trying to get her to drink and she was having none of it, the panicked look on their faces made me wonder if that's how I look too? The other kids were watching a movie, some were watching the show and some were watching Kortnie, they looked a little worried and freaked out too. So I knelt down at her desk and took the juice, of course to my little man Graham, this was nothing, he thought since I was down on the ground it was a fine time to jump on my back, Mrs H took him and found him a place to sit and watch the show. All the while I'm whispering to Kortnie, "please drink the juice", she pushes my hand away, "no, I don't want it, sob, sob, sob, leave me alone, sob, sob, sob" I whisper again, "okay let me check you BG" she says to me, "no, it'll hurt, I don't want to, leave me alone, sob, sob, sob", I tried to pick her up and carry her out, she didn't want that either. Finally I convinced her "okay, take the juice sip it while we're walking and I'll take you home". She agreed, I grabbed her kit and her backpack told the boy to Come On!, and we walked out, Nurse S following right behind. I heard some of the kids call out "Bye, Kortnie, hope you feel better". On the way out to my truck I yelled to the Seceratary Mrs L, "Tell Stasia and Z to walk home!" Kortnie sipped her juice all the way home, kind of slumped over with her head on the window. I checked her before we got out of the truck and she was up to 112 (22 minutes after the 31), she still had IOB, (Insulin On Board which means Insulin still in her bloodstream working), I reduced her basal rate of Insulin by 50% **Why didn't I think if disconnecting her pump or suspending or reducing earlier? Panic I guess** for 30 minutes and by 2:50pm she was 163, the rest of the afternoon her numbers were 152 at 3:44pm (Snack), 96 at 5:29pm (Dinner), 160 at 7;11pm (Snack), 295 at 8:52pm (Bedtime), 265 at 10:27pm (My Bedtime), 177 at 2:31am, and she woke up this morning at 131.

Once I got her home, she lay on the couch for awhile until about 3:30, then she was up and ready to go, feeling better and wanting to go to Girl Scouts. I let her go to Scouts because I knew her friend "K" would be there and she would worry if Kortnie didn't show up. So she went to Scouts and had a good time. D-doesn't keep her down for too long. "K" was sure glad to see her.

When my husband got home last night, I told him all about the 31, Kortnie heard me telling him and she didn't even remember 1/2 of the story, she kept saying, "No, I wasn't!" when I told him about the crying and leave me alone part. She never remembers the details of the bad lows or even the bad high's. Maybe that's good that she doesn't remember her "episodes", but it also worries me because is it something she blocks out, or something that her brain misfires and doesn't record the memory?

I asked her if she felt low before everything went down and she said "maybe a little", then I asked her why she didn't go check her BG when she started feeling low, she just shrugged her shoulders. I know it was because she was having fun and playing and didn't want to stop. Hopefully this will make her think twice before ignoring her next Low feeling. Dang it! Life shouldn't have to be this way for little kids, they should just be able to play and have fun and not worry about Blood Sugars and Juice Boxes, Bolus's and Basals, they shouldn't have to wonder if running around with friends will cause them to pass out, act weird, seizure or...worse. It shouldn't have to be this way for anybody. But it is this way and I guess I'm here to help her thru the episodes, good and bad, and I'm here to teach her to listen to her body, and I'm here to "Keep Calm and Carry On" when everyone else is panicking. FUD!!!!!

Kortnie just got home from school, I asked her if anyone said anything to her about yesterday, she told me that Mrs H and Nurse S told her that they were worried all day yesterday. I guess I should have texted them to tell them all was well, I'll have to remember that next time. What am I saying, there better never ever be a next time.

Zumbathon for JDRF

My friend Sandy is a Zumba and ZumbaAtomic instructer here where we live. She also has a nephew and brother in law with Type 1 Diabetes. For the past few months we've been trying to get a Zumbathon organzied to raise money for JDRF. It's finnally happening! I'm so excited to say that we're doing a Zumbathon for JDRF on Saturday Febuary 4th in Show Low, AZ. It's sure to be a fun time and hopefully we'll rasie a good amount of money too. I hope to see a bunch of my local friends there. Let's raise money, have fun and get in some excercise!