Peeing on Sticks...Ketones or Pregnancy?

Tomorrow is my son's birthday (Kortnie's little brother), Kortnie asked what time Graham was born.  I said something like 6:30am, she got out his baby book to look, she came across something I had written about how I found out I was pregnant on Halloween day and the conversation went like this....

Kortnie:  How'd you find out you're pregnant on Halloween Day?
Me:  I peed on a stick and it told me.
Kortnie:  Eeeeewwww!
Me:  That's how you find out, you pee on a stick and it tells you if you are pregnant or not.
Kortnie:  Oh!  Just like ketones!
Me:  Um, yeah, just like that.....but better

Things only a Type 1 Kid would think of. 

And yeah, peeing on stick and finding out if you are pregnant is way better that peeing on a stick and finding out you have ketones.

She looked thru his baby book further and read what I wrote about him sleeping for 22 hours straight after he was born and not eating, the nurses poked his heel and he had low blood sugar and so they poured sugar water on my nipple and stripped him down and made him cold so he would wake up and eat. 

She thought that was the meanest thing and is now concerned about him having low BG when he was a brand new baby. 

I also think of that often and wonder if it's some kind of omen that he'll get T1 or Hypoglycemia someday too, of course back on his birthdate I didn't know that stupid T1 would be a part of our lives someday.  Kortnie's bday is in June also, in November after she turned 5 and started Kindergarten is when she was dx'd with Type1.  Graham's bday is in June, he's turning 5, he's starting Kindergarten, I'm scared that in November he will also be dx'd with T1.  I know it's kind of an irrational fear, but I am scared, nervous, and on edge about it.  I wish November would hurry up and come and go and no diagnosis for him too.  Am I crazy, or do other mom's worry about this too?  My husband doesn't want any more kids because he's afraid they'll get Type 1, but he's not worried about the other 2 kids we already have getting it.  I guess we both have our crazy, irrational fears.

I got a letter from Kortnie (from Diabetes Camp)

In yesterday's mail there was finally a letter from Kortnie.  As you know she's at Diabetes Camp AZDA right now.  We dropped her off on Saturday and I was kind of hoping that by Monday she'd have written a letter, and that we'd get on by Wednesday.  Well, Wednesdays the mailman came and went with no mail from her.  Not only did I not get a letter on Wed., but nobody else did either.  Sigh.  So Thursday came and I ran out to the mailbox as soon as I hear the mailman out there, and yes! there was a letter from her.  I was so excited, I ripped open the envelope and read it out there crying and smiling.  I came in the house, texted Brian that we got a letter, and also took a picture of it and posted it to Facebook.  Brian quickly called to hear about the letter.  I read it to him over the phone.  It took me a few minutes to get myself together and read it to him because I was crying so much.  I'm a crier, he's used to it, sometimes it makes me crazy though. 

Here is what she wrote, I typed it up using her spelling and grammer.  Gotta work on that. 

 hi mom, dad, Graham & anastasia. What are you doing I miss you so!!! bad I would write more ov these! but I don't have more spac (she only used 1/2 the page, LOL) on Saterday I went swiming on Sunday I rode a horse by my self it was fun. I went swiming agen on Monday. Tusday we went rock climming. and I made it to the top it was fun can send you more envelope for I can write you gise one more time. Love Kortnie 

Note to self:  Next year send more envelopes addressed to me!  I'm so happy that she misses us so!!!bad  I am so happy she's having so much fun.  I hope she got a picture of herself on that horse and rock climbing.  I hope she's using her camera.  Her Grandma got her 2 of those disposable cameras each with 27 pictures.  Its going to be hard to wait to get those photos developed.  I don't know if anywhere up here does 1 hour prints from those.  I think it might  have to be a 2 or 3 day thing.  I'm used to instant photos these digital days.  It'll be easier waiting for those pictures than it was waiting for mail from her or waiting to go pick her up.  I wish she'd have written about what she's been eating or what her blood sugars are.  Those are the things I've been worrying about most, she's a picky eater (what kid isn't?).  I guess if she didn't write about her blood sugar's than they are okay or they are not making a big deal out of the bad/good numbers, which is good because I want her to have fun and I do trust that there at D-Camp her numbers will be monitored and handled.

I am also kind of excited to see that my husband is worrying some and missing Kortnie too.  I knew he'd miss her, she's his buddy, but I never think he worries too much.  He doesn't deal with the minute to minute-ness of diabetes as much as I do.  He is a hardworking dad and husband.  He works 50+ hours a week and is gone from 7am-6:45pm, 5 days a week.  I do 99.9% of Kortnie's diabetes stuff: site changes, night checks, carb counting, doctor visits, insulin configuring, etc.  It's not that he refuses to do it.  He just isn't home for alot of it and in the scheme of things it's just easier for me to get up and do the night checks (I set an alarm for 2:30am, it goes off, I get up do the check, go to the bathroom and back to bed...if it was him, the alarm would go off, he'd turn it off and go back to sleep, I'd have to kick him to wake him up, it would take 5 minutes, he'd finally get up, go check her, come back and then I'd want to know what her number was and what he did about it....see easier for me to do it myself, LOL)  Anyways, most some of the time I feel like he takes it for granted that I do everything, he doesn't ask about her numbers too often, although the past few weeks he has been wondering what her numbers are more often, seems he asks me about the 8pm and 10:30pm numbers most often, of course those are the ones he's home and awake for.  On his days off he does check out her numbers and attempt to do some measuring/carb counting and is getting better at it (I like him to do it MY WAY, not his way...he's getting there and I'm learning to let him do it his way more often) .  While we were gone to Laughlin, we called our other 2 kids every day, but there was no way to call Kortnie, we were pretty much told not to by the camp and we were struggling to follow the rules.  One evening after talking to Stasia and Graham he said to me, "I wish we could call Kortnie".  On the day we dropped her off, I cried and cried, he had his sunglasses on and I know he was sad too, but I didn't get to see if his eyes were tearing up too, I bet they were.   Yesterday when he called to hear about the letter I could tell over the phone he was a bit choked up too, but he was laughing type of choked up.  That was sweet.  Last night when he got home he looked over the letter and got a little teary eyed and said he wishes he could go with me to pick her up.  I told him I'd have her call him as soon as we got in the car.  That made him so happy.  It was good for me to see his feelings, not that I'm glad that he's kind of sad and missing her, but glad that I'm not alone in my feelings. 

Even though it's been a LONG week, it's been a good one.  Brian and I got to spend a much needed weekend away just the 2 of us, marriges take work and I tend to get busy with kids (and Diabetes) and he gets put on the back burner.  It was good to put us on the front burner and be reminded of eachother.  I got to spend some extra quality time with Stasia and Graham, Stasia really needs that.  I got to make some really Carby dinners and not worry about what Kortnie's blood sugars had been all day.  Admittedly Stasia and Graham got to eat more junk more carefreely than usual.  No not necessarily a good thing for them, but hey, they need to live it up a little too, right?

This time tomorrow I will be on my way to pick up my girl.  I am so excited, I can't wait to hear all of her stories and adventures, about the new friends she's made and about how she wants to go back next year.  I really hope she wants to go back.  One girl we met on drop off day was a DC, diabetic counselor, she told us she'd been going to Camp AZDA for 11 years ever since she was 7.  I know that Kortnie is the type of personality that could grow into being a DC and I hope she continues to go to camp, foster these friendships, and become a DC someday.  If she has to have Type 1 Diabetes, I hope she does something good with it.

Diabetes Camp - The Dropoff

The time has come.  She's been waiting all year for this.  Back in January I asked Kortnie if she would like to go to Diabetes Camp this Summer.  She would turn 8, 4 days before camp and 8 is the age you can start going.  She thought about it for a week or so and asked me a few questions and then she told me that YES, she'd LOVE to be able to go.  Around March is when Registration opened up for Camp AZDA.  The Camp would run a whole week, June 9 - June 16 and would be located around 3.5 hours from home near the town of Prescott, Arizona.  I started the registration process, dang there were a ton of questions, but they were all good questions and totally relevant to what goes into taking care of a Type 1 Diabetic kid, I paid the $50 registration fee.  She was accepted to camp, received $85 worth of financial aid and we rounded up the other $615 needed to send her to camp.  Her Grandparents (my parents) and Great-Grandparents (Brian's Grandparents) paid for her camp fees.  Her Grandma (Brian's mom) bought her a few things that she needed to pack for a birthday present.  We spent a week before camp packing and discussing.  I was nervous. She was nervous, but more excited than nervous.  The camp booklet said that she didn't need to bring any diabetes supplies, no insulin, no test strips, no meter, no poker, no low snacks, no syringes, no alcohol wipes, no ketone strips, the camp would provide everything.  I had a hard time not packing those things for her.  I was worried about her not having access to her meter at all times.  I understand that they probably didn't want kids to be burdened with carrying those things around and not have to worry about them losing their meters or getting them mixed up with other kids. Still, she and I both had a hard time not packing at least her meter and strips and a glucose tabs.  The camp did ask that she bring pump supplies, just in case they didn't have enough to accommodate everyone.  I felt better that I got to pack at least some of those.  :)  A week or so before camp she began emailing with 2 girls who we knew would also be first timers and in the same cabin as her at Camp AZDA.  That helped ease her mind and increase her excitement.

My husband took Saturday off so he could go with  me to drop her off at camp.  I realized that he was nervous too.  Somehow that made me feel better.  Since Kork's diagnosis we have not been able to go away overnight together.  It's been a hard 2 1/2 years, it took us a long time to even leave her with a babysitter so we could go on a date.   We figured that while she was gone away to Diabetes Camp we'd send the other 2 kids to his mom's and we'd go on a little trip ourselves.  We planned to drop Kork off Saturday afternoon and then continue on to Laughlin, we'd stay until Monday and then come back home so he could go to work.    I took the 2 kids to Grandma's on Friday night, came home, got a good night's sleep and we were on the road by about 8:30 Saturday morning.  The closer we got to Prescott the more freaked out I got.  Kortnie was bouncing around the backseat talking non-stop.  I could tell she was nervous and excited too.  Her blood sugars usually run high when she's like that.  We started the day off with a 200, I gave her a breakfast bolus and upped her basal rates by 20%.  Around 11am she was 115, a great number.  At 12:30pm when we stopped for lunch  (we were about an hour from camp drop off) she was back up to 257.  We had Subway, gave her a huge bolus and upped her basal rates 50% for one hour.  I was starting to tear up at this point.  After lunch we found camp, got her signed in, filled out papers and someone took us to her cabin.  Her cabin was smallish, you go in and turn right into her room-Aztec (turn left into another room Hualapai), 4 sets of bunk beds with name tags on each one.  She found her bed, a top bunk!  She found the beds of the 2 girls she'd been emailing with.  Also each girl was assigned a shelf unit to unpack their clothes onto.  There were 2 other beds, one for the counselor and one for the "med staff" that stay with each of them. Also a shower room.  In the "middle" common area were 2 sinks and 2 toilet rooms.  It was comforting to see ketosticks on the sink and sharps containers on the shelves :)  It was a big stuffy and hot in the cabin.  I hope they open windows while there, I'm sure they will.   After we saw the cabin we were going to go to the Arts and Crafts cabin to spruce up her name tag, but we were told that the bus from Phoenix was arriving and it had her roommates and counselor on it.  So someone whisked her away to go meet the bus.  Brian and I stood back and watched.  It's a big to do to welcome a bus full of campers.  I could see how happy Kortnie was, she found Sugar and A.K.. right away!  The group of campers was taken back to their cabin, Brian and I followed behind and that's when I really started losing it! 

I snapped this picture of them walking into the cabin, Kortnie is looking at me, Sugar has the green backpack and A.K. has a pink backpack and is walking up the steps.  I wanted to get more pictures, but they were oblivious to me, they were excited to be at camp and making new friends and they were hanging on every word that their counselor was saying.  I didn't want to impose on their fun. Kortnie took a disposable camera with her, I hope she gets a lot of great photos.  After I took this picture, the girls disappeared inside.  I wept, and Brian held me.  I wasn't ready to leave, but I knew we needed to. I went inside and listened to the girls chatter for a few minutes.  Kortnie was oblivious to me standing there.  I said "Kork!" She turned and looked "We're going now."  she said "Okay!"  I said, "well, aren't you gonna come say goodbye to us?"  She came out and gave me and Brian a hug.  The rest of the girls came out, they were going to go pick out boots for when they rode horses the next day.  Brian and I followed behind, when they stopped at the boot tent, we kept walking.  We got to the car and I said to Brian, "let me go back and tell those counselor girls about her high BG and check her BG again really quick" he said okay and he'd get the AC going in the car.  I went back, told the girls she'd had a big bolus and upped basal at lunch and to watch for a low later, they said okay they'd keep an eye on her and told Kortnie to let them know anytime she wanted to check her BG.  I said to her "why don't you check it now before I leave?"  She said to me, "no, I'm good"  they counselors told her to go ahead and check and make mom feel better, Kortnie said she felt fine.  I said Okay, the counselors said she'd be okay.  I told them I was a "crazy worried mom" they said all the mom's are and that it's okay.  I left again.  Got in the car, cried some more and we took off down the road.  Stopped for gas and Brian remembered that Kortnie had a wad of money in her pocket.  You aren't supposed to take money and valuables to camp.  He said we should go back and get it from her.  (hee hee now he's wanting to go back) I said, no we'll call, so we called and had someone go get the money from her and hold it until I pick her up. 

I posted on Facebook the picture I took and how I'd just dropped her off and how freaked out I was, I got lots of supportive comments.  But I tell ya, my stomach hurt, I had a headache and it took about an hour for me to stop crying.  I fell asleep for a little bit.  Brian and I got to Laughlin, got checked in and started to relax.  We called our other 2 kids at Grandma's, we slept in the next morning we ate breakfast, we strolled the riverwalk, we laughed and reconnected, we tried not to talk or think about the kids.  That evening we called the kids again and went to dinner.  At dinner Brian said to me that he wished we could call Kortnie too.  I was glad he said it, because I was thinking about it too.  I was glad to see he was missing them as much as me.  I was glad to see he was as nervous about letting somebody else take care of Kortnie as much as me.  It was one thing to drop Stasia and Graham off with Brian's mom, but a whole other ballgame to drop Kortnie off at camp with strangers, especially when so much goes into her daily care.  We knew that the camp would take care of her, we knew she'd be surrounded by other kids and adults with Type 1 Diabetes as well as medical staff and the people with out T1D would certainly be knowledgeable.  We knew she'd be okay and have fun, but that didn't doesn't make it any easier. 

On our way to camp this was one of our conversations:
Kortnie: "I don't think you've ever left me for a week"
Me:  "I have never left you for a week."
Kortnie: "Oh"
Me:  "Actually I have never even left Stasia and Graham this long, they are gonna be at Grandma's 3 nights, I've only ever left you guys one or two nights and that was before you had diabetes"  "I'm gonna miss you guys, all of you"
Kortnie:  "I'm gonna miss you guys too, but I think I will have fun"
Me:  "yep, you'll have fun"
Kortnie:  "If I like camp, can I go again next year"
Me:  "Yes"  I was really thinking, "oh brother, I'm a mess now, let's not start talking about next year already!"

Anyways, we dropped her off, she was brave, she was ready to go.  I cried, but I got myself under control.  I had a fun time with my husband, it was just what we needed.  I slept till 9am the first day and 9:20am the second day.  I didn't have to get up and check blood sugars in the middle of the night.  It was kinda of nice.  When we left Monday afternoon to go home, it was weird knowing that we were only going to pick up 2 of our kids, not 3.  Kortnie's little brother (almost 5) has asked for her 3 times since we picked him up.  I miss her like crazy, it's weird to have 2 kids and not 3 at home.  I am counting down the days until Saturday when I go get her.  I'll cry then too.  For now, I'll just be wondering what her BG is and wondering what she's doing and waiting for a letter in the mail.  I didn't get one today, sure hope I do tomorrow, and if I don't get one tomorrow, I hope someone else does and they call me and tell me.  She took envelopes addressed to us, Grandma Linda, Grandma and Grandpa Hess, and Great-Grandma and Bompa.

CareGiver

In the March issue of Woman's Day Magazine there is a section about Caregiver's. It's aimed at the generation of (mostly) Women who are taking care of an older family member. I read through it because, I figure that someday I'll be in this spot. Although the articles are talking about caring for an older adult I saw a lot of similarities to what I do now as a Caregiver/Pancreas for Kortnie.

Yes, she's my kid not an older adult, yes when I choose to be a mom I knew I'd be a "caregiver" to my kids, yes, I care for my other 2 kids too, but when I signed up to be a mommy, I DID NOT sign up to be a Pancreas too, I love all my kids and would do anything for any of them, it's not my fault or Kortnie's fault that her stinkin' pancreas doesn't work, it's just the hand we were delt. Being a wife and mother is hard enough on a good day, but when you add in a kid with a Chronic Illness and you have to literally be thinking about EVERYTHING SHE EATS OR DOES OR WILL BE DOING all the time just to keep her alive, that's a whole new ballgame. Mothering and Caregiving for this kid is taken to a whole new level!

The article that really stood out to me is "Stop Caregiver Burnout" on page 115
Here is a quote from the beginning of the article:
"You know the saying 'If the plane is losing oxygen, put on your own msk firs, then your child's.' If you're caring for a loved one, this applies to you, too. But with over half of caregivers reporting that they're eating poorly and not excercising and three quarters not going to their doctors regularly, it seems that most of them have abandoned their own oxygen masks. And understandably so: Though taking care of a loved one can certainly be fulfilling, there's no denying that it's emotionally taxing."
The article has these 3 main topics:
1 You Resent the Responsibility- It's inevitable that you'll feel frustrated-even angry-about how much of your life you're giving up and how hard the task is Yes! Sometimes this is me
2 You're Grappling with your own Mortality- Taking care of someone who's sick inevitably brings up questions like "Will someone take care of me someday" I wasn't thinking this, but now I am, but really I think this part of the article applies more towards the woman in her 50's and 60's who's taking care of an older adult
3 You Feel GUILTY- As a caregiver, you're making so many important, life changing decisions that it's all too easy to second-guess yourself. Are we teaching her the right way to take care of herself? Did we choose the right pump, doctor, insulin? Are we letting her make enough choices for herself? Will she be able to do this on her own someday, what if I'm not here to take care of her? Does she have independance? Am I forcing her to use a pump or CGM?

Anyways, this article hit home for me. Mostly I struggle with topics 1 and 3. Kortnie was diagnosed in November of 2009, I had only been back to work after having my son for a little over a year. I enjoyed going to work and talking with adults, I was working on losing baby weight, I was plugging along just fine and trying to make myself feel good about me. Then BAM! Diabetes hit like a freight train. I ended up quitting my job, I eventually gained back all the weight I'd lost and then some, everything I did was centered around Diabetes, learning all I could about it, figuring out the best ways to take care of Kortnie, learning how to do shots, choosing pumps, advocating, fundraising, a little whining too. So much, so much, everything was about Diabetes, I lost myself in my grief, I'm pretty sure I neglected my other kids, my husband, myself and maybe even Kortnie a little-not her D-but her Korkyness.

I'm happy to say that somewhere along the way I realized what was going on, I began to resent that D has done this to me, and I'm working at fixing it. I am learning to take more time for myself, I'm working on excercising and getting back in shape, I've been losing weight slowly, I have been getting dressed more often, spending time with friends and my husband, and more non-D time with my kids. I am finding the old me and I am getting my Happy back. No more diving back into bed or burrying my head in the sand. I'm gonna work really hard about not Bitching about what Diabetes is taking away from, but you can bet your ass that I'll still be bitching about what it takes away from Kortnie. well maybe I won't stop bitching, a little ranting and venting can work wonders here and there, I'm gonna own my resentment!

The guilt, that's a tough nut to crack, that's going to be a little harder, it probably won't ever go away, the article says guilt is natural and that it's okay as long as you aknowledge it and don't let it eat at you. I'll work on that, I just hope that even if I make the wrong choices for her now, she'll know someday that I did the best I could and every choice I make or made I will do thoughtfully, carefully and out of love.

Do you feel resentful, guilty or wonder about your own mortality?

31

Yesterday Kortnie had a 31 at school. It was a friggin' mess!

She checks her BG at 7:55am when I drop her off, then again at 11am when she goes to lunch, then at 2:20pm when I pick her up. Of couse she checks in between if she feels like she needs or wants to.

Yesterday she was 185 when I dropped her off, with IOB to cover the breakfast we had a 7:15 (2 20gc Breakfast Burritos). I wasn't worried. Apparently at lunchtime she was 279, they don't call me unless she's over 300. They bolused for her lunch and the correction, I can't remember the carbs she took yesterday but it was probably a pretty big bolus at least 4.45U for the correction (279-120/60). She goes to lunch 11:10-11:45 (she goes to nurse at 11 for her check and bolus). Then they go to recess 1:15-1:30pm. When they got back from recess Kortnie's friend "K" told the teacher that Kortnie was acting weird and dizzy (thanks for looking out K!). Mrs. H, told K to get Kortnie's checker out of her lunch bag while she got the juice. They got Kortnie to check her BG and 31 popped up, they got her to drink her juice and then called the nurse. They did everything they were supposed to, at this point the nurse is supposed to call me and head down to the classroom to get Kortnie. The nurse went to the classroom to get her and Kortnie wouldn't leave her desk, that's when they called me. No big deal (NBD that she went to Kortnie before calling me, BIG DEAL the 31), really, I have told them to take care of her first and call me second. So she called me, I saw on my caller ID that it was Nurse S and like always my heart jumps into my throat. Usually when she calls me it goes like this...
Me: Hello?
Nurse S: Hi, it's me, nothings wrong!
Me: Oh good, what's up?
Yesterday it was like this
Me: Hello?
Nurse S: Kortnie's 31! (panicky)
Me: Holy Crap, give her juice!
Nurse S: She already had one but she won't walk
Me: Give her more, I'm coming!
Thank goodness I only live 1/2 a mile away, I yelled at my son to get in the car and we drove down, I was probably there in less than 2 minutes, but it seemed like FOREVER, we parked in the parent pick up line and ran to her class, didn't stop to check in at the office (BAD! Really nobody cares, I'm PTO President and everyone knows me, they know I'm not there to steal kids, I have my hands full with the ones I already have, and they know better than to mess with me when I'm in D-Mama mode) Got to her class and she had her head laying on her desk, her face was all white and her eyes were glassy, and she was sobbing. (which I'm sure that crying probably makes you drop even lower, I mean it takes a lot of effort to cry) The teacher and nurse were on their knees trying to get her to drink and she was having none of it, the panicked look on their faces made me wonder if that's how I look too? The other kids were watching a movie, some were watching the show and some were watching Kortnie, they looked a little worried and freaked out too. So I knelt down at her desk and took the juice, of course to my little man Graham, this was nothing, he thought since I was down on the ground it was a fine time to jump on my back, Mrs H took him and found him a place to sit and watch the show. All the while I'm whispering to Kortnie, "please drink the juice", she pushes my hand away, "no, I don't want it, sob, sob, sob, leave me alone, sob, sob, sob" I whisper again, "okay let me check you BG" she says to me, "no, it'll hurt, I don't want to, leave me alone, sob, sob, sob", I tried to pick her up and carry her out, she didn't want that either. Finally I convinced her "okay, take the juice sip it while we're walking and I'll take you home". She agreed, I grabbed her kit and her backpack told the boy to Come On!, and we walked out, Nurse S following right behind. I heard some of the kids call out "Bye, Kortnie, hope you feel better". On the way out to my truck I yelled to the Seceratary Mrs L, "Tell Stasia and Z to walk home!" Kortnie sipped her juice all the way home, kind of slumped over with her head on the window. I checked her before we got out of the truck and she was up to 112 (22 minutes after the 31), she still had IOB, (Insulin On Board which means Insulin still in her bloodstream working), I reduced her basal rate of Insulin by 50% **Why didn't I think if disconnecting her pump or suspending or reducing earlier? Panic I guess** for 30 minutes and by 2:50pm she was 163, the rest of the afternoon her numbers were 152 at 3:44pm (Snack), 96 at 5:29pm (Dinner), 160 at 7;11pm (Snack), 295 at 8:52pm (Bedtime), 265 at 10:27pm (My Bedtime), 177 at 2:31am, and she woke up this morning at 131.

Once I got her home, she lay on the couch for awhile until about 3:30, then she was up and ready to go, feeling better and wanting to go to Girl Scouts. I let her go to Scouts because I knew her friend "K" would be there and she would worry if Kortnie didn't show up. So she went to Scouts and had a good time. D-doesn't keep her down for too long. "K" was sure glad to see her.

When my husband got home last night, I told him all about the 31, Kortnie heard me telling him and she didn't even remember 1/2 of the story, she kept saying, "No, I wasn't!" when I told him about the crying and leave me alone part. She never remembers the details of the bad lows or even the bad high's. Maybe that's good that she doesn't remember her "episodes", but it also worries me because is it something she blocks out, or something that her brain misfires and doesn't record the memory?

I asked her if she felt low before everything went down and she said "maybe a little", then I asked her why she didn't go check her BG when she started feeling low, she just shrugged her shoulders. I know it was because she was having fun and playing and didn't want to stop. Hopefully this will make her think twice before ignoring her next Low feeling. Dang it! Life shouldn't have to be this way for little kids, they should just be able to play and have fun and not worry about Blood Sugars and Juice Boxes, Bolus's and Basals, they shouldn't have to wonder if running around with friends will cause them to pass out, act weird, seizure or...worse. It shouldn't have to be this way for anybody. But it is this way and I guess I'm here to help her thru the episodes, good and bad, and I'm here to teach her to listen to her body, and I'm here to "Keep Calm and Carry On" when everyone else is panicking. FUD!!!!!

Kortnie just got home from school, I asked her if anyone said anything to her about yesterday, she told me that Mrs H and Nurse S told her that they were worried all day yesterday. I guess I should have texted them to tell them all was well, I'll have to remember that next time. What am I saying, there better never ever be a next time.

Wanderings of my Thoughts

On the way down to The Valley (Phoenix area) last week for Kortnie's Endo visit I had time to think and let my mind wander. It's a 230 mile drive, my husband was driving, the kids were busy with their Ipods and DSi's. We were in an area where there was no radio service so I put in a few CD's, held hubby's hand and took in the scenery.

Then the song "My Sharona" came on. This song always makes me think of a work friend I had a while ago, maybe 15 years ago. I was young, unmarried and not a mom then. She was probably closer to the age I am now. She had a few kids, one of them had Cystic Fibrosis, CF. I can't remember how old he was maybe around 10. Anyways, he was sick and dying. I didn't know much about CF, and I guess I still don't. I did remember having a friend with CF back in maybe 7th grade. I remember my friend coming to work and always having a smile on her face, she'd occasionally tell us what was going on with her son and I remember her taking days off to do things with him. Anything from Dr visits to special outings, a Make A Wish trip and Hospital stays. We all would make sure to pick up her shifts so she could have this time off with her son and family. She made sure to work enough to keep her medical insurance. After a few months of her son being really ill, he passed away. It was sad, and all of us felt really bad for her. Like I mentioned before, I was young, unmarried and childless. I felt sorry for my friend, but I don't think I ever really felt too sympathetic towards her. Not to make myself sound harsh and I knew it must have been an awful thing for her to lose her child and to actually watch him die and know it was coming, but how could I have known the extent of her feelings. Now when I hear that song on the radio I think of her and my heart breaks for her. Now that I have my own kids and I realize how awful it must have been for her and her family.

So, here we were headed to Kortnie's Endo appointment and I'm thinking of my old friend who had a son with a chronic and deadly disease, I remember how upbeat and postive she always seemed and how she seemed to really live life. Could it be that facing the mortality of her son made her more inclined to LIVE? So that got me to thinking about how we live. Now I am not about to compare Kortnie's T1 to CF and I know that Kortnie isn't dieing right now, but I do think that if no cure is found, T1 or Complications becasue of T1 will eventually probably be the thing that Kortnie dies from. I know (hope) that she'll live a long life as long as we continue to take care of her T1 and teach her how to take care of herself. But, here's my question. Has your kids T1 diagnosis made you live life any more adventurous or fuller than you had been? It seems like my family is just plugging along. We don't do anything more adventurous or extreme, and well, I'd like to. Not because I (we) are faced with Kortnie's T1, but because we are all faced with mortality, anything could happen at any time, right?

Brian and I have always talked about possibly moving, we'd love to live close to the water, Washington, Oregon, Northern California, Maine, South Carolina, even Alaska. As we were driving thru the Salt River Canyon I thought to myself that even though it's a dream of mine to live close to the water, I still think it's beautiful here in Arizona and I enjoy living here. I'd like to appreciate it more, explore, take pictures, go hiking, spend time with my family. Live our lives to the fullest each day. And maybe someday, we'll get out dream and be able to live somewhere else, or maybe someday we'll take our kids to visit these places and enjoy the time we have visiting these places.

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